First things first: If you are not following Chrissy Teigen on Twitter/Instagram/Anywhere you possible can (except real life, that would be creepy), do so NOW. You won’t regret it.
For those who don’t know, Chrissy is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, fantastic tweeter, and, from what I can tell from stalking her Instagram, awesome cook. And, according to her, a total wino which means she belongs here (though I’m sure her wine costs slightly more than $3, but you never know).
Her blog sodelushious.com is also awesome, and it features the recipe that I decided to try this week. Backstory: Lance I have been on the Tim Ferris 4 Hour Diet for the past two weeks which means no high-glycemic carbs (like flour and sugar), no fruit, and no cheese or dairy. But you ARE allowed two glasses of red wine a night (SWEET) and one full cheat day a week (YES!) which makes it one of my favorite diets. Last night I decided to try Chrissy’s Fish En Papillote since it fit with this diet well and looked effing delicious. Spoiler alert: It was.
Chrissy’s recipe calls for a nice little bed of fresh garlic (I used 5 cloves), fresh ginger (she says to use about as much ginger as garlic but it my house GARLIC IS KING so I used about half the amount), a bunch of chopped green onions, and 2 or 3 Serrano Chilies (Note: I really like my heat. When given the mild, medium, or hot option, I am hot ALL THE WAY. However, I am not sure HOW she puts more than one Serrano chili in this without dying. I used one green serrano and was like “That looks like enough” and the end result was still VERY VERY spicy. However, I live in Arizona so it is possible I got a slightly hotter pepper. I hear they vary. Anyway, you may want to use a milder pepper, like jalapeno or even bell if you can’t handle spice. Just a forewarning.)
I added red bell pepper because I didn’t like how green serrano made everything the same color. FOOD IS ART PEOPLE.
Then you lay some nice slices of zucchini on tip, which looks very fancy. Add a bunch of salt and pepper too.
Fun fact: I ate the other half of the zucchini with hummus while doing this.
Oh I almost forgot, do all of this on parchment paper drizzled with toasted sesame oil (Honestly just go to sodelushious.com if you need real instructions because I suck at them.)
Then I seasoned the fish and layed it nicely on top. I used Snapper which was $12.99 a freaking pound at sprouts but the only fish they had that cost less was catfish (gross), cod (gross, unless beer battered and covered in tarter sauce, then it’s delicious), and tilapia (meh), so expensive snapper it was.
I better not screw this up.
Oh I almost forgot, while all this was going on, I was soaking dried shitake mushrooms in warm water. I had never done this before but I LOVE shitake mushrooms so I kept accidentally scooping them out of the water and eating them. Chrissy says she likes to use dried to make the sauce for the fish and then fresh for over the top of the fish. This recipe is about all the ingredients I can handle in one recipe so I chose to just use the dried for the top of the fish, because I thought they were delicious (though it was kind of a pain in the ass to squeeze all the water they absorbed). Also I forgot to take a picture of the fish with the mushrooms on top.
Finally, I added spoon a couple spoonfuls of mushroom broth mixed with mirin and salt and pepper to the top of the fish.
Then I made my lovely little parchment wrap which is actually quite easy to do (and something I’m going to be doing a LOT of in the future considering it’s like the butcher paper-tablecloth of cooking fish).
And popped it in the oven at 425°. Since my fish was pretty thick I kept it in there for 18 minutes, which was perfect.
Success! And Gift Wrapped!
I split this in half and served half to Lance. It was REALLY good. Despite being a little high on the Scoville scale (I’ll probably use ½ serrano, ½ jalapeno next time) the fish was complex and flavorful and the veggies worked perfectly. I also decided I absolutely LOVE toasted sesame oil and need to use it more in my daily life. It just smells amazing. Also, for a light fish and veggie dish, it was surprisingly filling. Maybe the $13 snapper was worth it!
All-in-all, highly recommended dish from a highly recommended person. Don’t you love it when that happens?
That’s a lot of rhyming/made up words in one recipe title! Try finding that in Bon Appétit! (Though, in all fairness, you can totally find the inspiration for this recipe at Bon Appétit here).
I posted this to Instagram last night and everyone seemed to think it looked pretty tasty so I thought I’d elaborate a bit here. Not only is it super delicious, it’s really easy, and ridiculously low calorie. I know it might seem like a blog named 3 Dollar Wine seems to focus a LOT on low calorie eating, and I suppose it does, but I just want everyone to remember that saving calories on food only leaves calories for wine. Math! (Also I promise I eat like shit over half the time, one day I’ll write a blog about that too.)
Anyway, on to the salad. Mind you, I made this last night and only took one photo of it (above) so this won’t be a very picture-dense blog, but we all know I suck at food photography so I don’t think I’m depriving you guys of too much. Just picture everything in your head.
Easy-Peasy Fancy-Schmancy Roasted Romaine Salad
(There are literally no quantities here except the one romaine heart and even that is flexible. Consider this a shopping list.)
1 Romaine Heart (Or go cray cray and use a full head of romaine, nobody is judging)
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
A little bit of minced garlic
Anchovies (Optional but seriously STOP HATING ON ANCHOVIES. They have such an amazing salty, nutty flavor and I love them on salads, in pasta, basically everywhere. And to everyone who says they don’t like them because they had a bad pizza experience when they were 9, I have three words for you: CAESAR FREAKING DRESSING.)
Fresh Parmesan (Like the big, hard block that’s really awkward on a cheese plate because it’s so hard to cut with those wimpy little knives.)
- Preheat oven to 450° (or you can use the grill but I don’t have a grill so I use the oven and it works just fine).
- Cut a head of Romaine in half and place on foil-covered baking sheet. Drizzle a bit of olive oil on both halves. I like to massage it in a bit, I feel this really makes the lettuce take well to the heat from the oven, but if you don’t like getting your fingers oily I suppose you can drizzle. I take that back. MASSAGE.
- Top lettuce with minced garlic (exact amount depends on your love for garlic/likelihood of making out with someone later. So for me, LOTS).
- Season with salt and pepper.
- Pop that baby in the oven.
- While the lettuce is in the oven, shave some fresh Parmesan into nice little slivers, like they give you at fancy restaurants (HENCE THE “FANCY-SHMANCY” portion of the title).
- After about 5 minutes, take the lettuce out of the oven. It should be a little wilted and even charred around some of the edges of the outer leaves.
- Plate the lettuce and give it a healthy squeeze of fresh lemon. Add a couple of anchovies (Don’t like anchovies? See above.), the parmesan shavings, and more salt and pepper. Garnish with lemon.
I am verbose but the above literally takes six and half minutes including the five minutes the lettuce is in the oven. It actually takes longer (way longer) to eat than it does to make considering you need to cut the lettuce as you go, which I appreciate because the more time it takes for me to eat a meal the less time is left for me to be wishing I was currently eating a meal.
Guys, I know it’s been a while, but if there’s anything that can get the laziest blogger on Earth to put together a few semi-coherent paragraphs for the greater good, it’s this. No, unfortunately I’m not talking about calorie free wine (DAMNIT), but a very close second. That’s right, I’m talking about Carb-Free Noodles AKA Miracle Noodles.
Carb free noodles, you say? IMPOSSIBLE! Well, yes, kinda. The product I’m writing about is not exactly the deliciously starchy carbohydrate perfection that you would normally find underneath the gift of nature that is fresh pomodoro sauce, but it’s close and it’s zero calories and zero carbs and almost zero preparation, which means it beats out spaghetti squash in the “Things I eat to pretend I’m eating carbs” food group.
Also in that group: Cauliflower, radishes, seaweed, meat.
I know what you’re thinking. How is this possible and how is has it not yet been featured as Breaking News on CNN? Well apparently it’s possible because they are made from a plant called “Devil’s Tongue” yam. Probably named after whoever it is that sold their soul to the devil so we could all enjoy carb free noodles. They mostly consist of water and glucomannan, a water soluble dietary fiber. One of my diet mantras is that fiber doesn’t count, which basically means these noodles are like eating air. As for why I’ve never heard of them until two weeks ago, I can only guess that there is some kind of secret supermodel organization that keeps these things from the rest of us. They probably have calorie free wine, too.
So, how do you use them? As someone who grew up on Sunday Sauce, it feels a bit sacrilege to use non-pasta noodles in Italian dishes. I’ve tried it with some jarred Marinara (judge all you want, but I wasn’t going to make homemade sauce and then put it on fake pasta), and it was okay and definitely will do it again in an emergency (am I the only one who has pasta emergencies?), but where these noodles REALLY do the trick almost just as well as their ass-swelling counterparts is in Asian dishes. Stir fry, pad thai, almost anything where you could would normally use glass or rice noodles would work well with these, and leave you some room for wine and/or ice cream and/or other carbs.
Below is a super easy recipe I use them with quite a bit. I just use whatever veggies I have on hand. Once the noodles combine with the salty soy sauce and spicy Sriracha you can’t even tell they aren’t rice noodles.
Spicy Beef Stir Fry With Miracle Noodles
I’m a horrible food photographer, but you get the point.
½ Lb of Flank Steak, cubed or cut into strips
3 Bell Peppers (I used red because they were on sale but whatever your little heart desires), cut into strips
A handful of snow peas
A handful of bean sprouts
1 bunch green onions, diced (reserve about two pinches for garnish)
2 Tbsp Soy Sauce
1 Clove Garlic, minced
1 Tbsp Sriracha
1 Tbsp Sesame Oil
1 Tbsp Honey
1 Tsp Crushed Red Pepper
- Combine all the marinade ingredients with the cubed beef and let it marinade for about an hour or so.
- Heat 1 Tbsp of Peanut Oil in a large skillet on medium high heat, add beef and sear for a couple minutes.
- Remove beef from pan with a slotted spoon and add stir fry vegetables.
- Add another 2 Tbsp of Soy Sauce, about a tbsp of Sriracha, and tbsp of Honey to the vegetables, cook until bell peppers are tender.
- While the vegetables are cooking remove Miracle Noodles from package. (This is the weird part. They will come packed in water and smell a little funny. Don’t let this stop you! We are talking carb free noodles here, you must perservere! Just rinse them well with hot water and they should be fine. If it really bothers you or if you have a hard time with breaking the tradition of boiling water to cook noodles, you can blanch them in boiling water for a couple of minutes, but I don’t think you have to.)
- Add rinsed Miracle Noodles to pan and mix with vegetables and sauce.
- Add beef back to pan to finish cooking for a couple minutes.
- Garnish with sesame seeds and green onion. Pour your guilt-free glass of wine. Enjoy!
I’m going to keep experimenting and let you know if I find any more miracle products (Wish list: Miracle Pizza, Miracle Bagels, Miracle Cannolis) or at least a few more inspired ways to use these.
If you want to join me on my Miracle Adventures, you can buy Miracle Noodles here!
Anyone who watches “Bar Rescue” knows that the number one goal of any establishment is to pack it full of vaginas so the men they come a’hollerin. This phenomenon, which I am hereby dubbing “Taffer’s Rule of Men Will Do Anything to Get Laid” probably has a lot to do with the recent saturation of new restaurants with super cute non-”restaurant” names obviously intended to appeal to women like “Bistro”, “Marketplace”, “Kitchen” and, my personal favorite “Wine Bar”. But it’s not enough to just have a cute name, you also have to have a super cute menu that contains food that all women love. But how do I know what those foods are, you ask? Well you could 1. Be a woman or 2. Turn to the guide to all thing women: Pinterest.
Lucky for you, I am card-carrying woman and, using my own taste and the bible that is Pinterest.com, was able to find the top ten foods every restaurant should have on the menu if they want that place packed with yoga pants by day and winged eyeliner by night. Note: All restaurant names below were completely made up by yours truly, though I’m sure they exist somewhere.
#10 Brussel Sprouts (280,000 Pinterest Results)
If there’s two things women love it’s knowing a secret and judging other people’s poor life choices and Brussel Sprouts allows us to do both. This is what happens when women see brussel sprouts on a menu:
Women #1: OMG They have brussel sprouts
Women #2: Oh I love brussel sprouts, you know who has good brussel sprouts? Frederic’s Bistro and Wine Bar! They have bacon on them!
Women #3: OMG I loooove Brussel Sprouts with bacon, can you believe some people don’t like Brussel sprouts?
Women #4: Some people are so stupid.
#9 Beets (619,000 Pinterest Results)
Beets started gaining popularity somewhere around 2008 and now you can’t swing a humanely raised pig around an “Urban Kitchen” without hitting a beet and pistachio salad. I’m personally not a huge fan of beets but their bright pink color and Superfood status pretty much guarantees they’ll stay on the menu at “Serendipity Cafe and Marketplace” as long as they don’t stain the ivory tableware.
#8 Sushi (1,080,000 Pinterest Results)
Sushi is colorful, bite size, and very conducive to just “getting a lot of little things and sharing!” This is one of women’s favorite things to do. If you’re not a sushi restaurant, you can always throw an Ahi Tuna Salad on the menu and that will pass (and is what I will order please).
#7 Hummus (1,130,000 Pinterest Results)
I know there was a time in my life when I was unaware of hummus, but I think I may have repressed the memory because it was just too painful. Hummus is delicious and if you eat it with cucumbers instead of pita, it has virtually no net carbs and therefore doesn’t even really count as consuming calories. Woman science.
#6 Goat Cheese (1,490,000 Pinterest Results)
If this list was called “What Georgeann Wants: Restaurant Edition”, goat cheese would probably be #1, #2, and #3. I could eat a goat cheese bruschetta appetizer, followed by goat cheese raviolis, and a dessert of goat cheese cheesecake and all would be right in my world. But the Pinterest numbers don’t lie and women ranked Goat Cheese as #6, based on my extremely unscientific methodology of doing a Google site search of “Goat Cheese” on Pinterest.com.
I know all cheese is delicious and totally worthy of a spot on this list, but goat cheese and feta are really the two with a disproportionate female to male fanbase. Feta isn’t on this list because it’s been on the restaurant radar for years, mostly in the crapfest that is a Greek Salad, and nobody really likes it that much we just eat it when we’re at a Greek restaurant or on a diet. Goat cheese, however, is heaven on a cracker and as long “Sophie’s Farm to Table Brunch Club” is serving it, woman will order it.
#5 Quinoa (3,680,000 Pinterest Results)
Another superfood, another super o-face for women everywhere who decided that they were DONE with processed grains and now only eat foods that were once only mentioned during the tiebreaker round of the National Spelling Bee. Seriously, if there are people in this world who did not learn how to say “Quinoa” by being corrected by someone after saying “Quinoa” wrong, I’d like to meet them. And then I’d like to punch them.
If You’re A Woman, You Hate Me Right Now (Via meversusmartha.tumblr.com)
#4 Nutella (5,060,000 Pinterest Results)
Dream cream of women everywhere. Throw a Nutella inspired dessert on the menu and you will be able to SMELL the estrogen in the room rising. Is it the chocolate? The hazelnut? The fact that it makes us feel British? I don’t know but I’m just happy “Carly’s Healthy Kitchen” was able to look past its absolutely atrocious ingredient list to make sure we can pay $11 to get glorified peanut butter wrapped in a crepe. And I’m not even joking.
#3 Avocados (6,110,000 Pinterest Results)
There’s an old saying that goes “People who do not like avocados are idiots who cannot be trusted”. Okay there’s not but we should get that one going, shouldn’t we? There’s nothing not to like about avocados, least of which being that it is an ingredient in one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century: Guacamole. It’s pretty universally liked by men and women but the only people I’ve met who DIDN’T like them are men, which may or may not have been the inspiration for the quote above. Either way, once I see the presence of avocado in a salad, on a sandwich, or basically on anything, odds are that dish just shot to the top of my list of things I might order, just below the seared ahi salad or anything with goat cheese.
#2 Kale (6,150,000 Pinterest Results)
Of course, Kale. I think we’ve all accepted the fact that we either make kale a part of our lives or we die fat, slow, ugly deaths. Like all women, I’ve managed to trick myself into tolerating it enough to sub it for Romaine in a Caesar, or sauté it with garlic and pretend it’s spinach. Unlike all women, what I have NOT been able to do is convince myself that baking it raw and eating it like chips is somehow delicious. It is not and frankly, it’s an insult to the word “chips”. It tastes like what I would imagine licking the side of a fish tank would taste like. If you want to have them on your menu, fine, but know that I will be having the hummus.
#1 Wine (13,100,000 Pinterest Results)
I know I may be biased, but Pinterest doesn’t lie and wine is the number one item that women want at your restaurant/bistro/urban kitchen/trattoria/birthday party/baby shower/funeral/anything really.
OMG That looks just like the inside of Yvonne’s Corner Bistro & Wine Spa! (Via Concierge.com)
I don’t really have to say anything about why you need wine on your menu to attract women. Obviously, if you’re a restaurant you should just have wine, period (I got wine at Twin Peaks once so if they can serve it, anyone can). If you’re a restaurant for women, you need lots of it, at lots of different price points, and preferably a special or two, because as much as I’d like to spend 50% of my disposable income on wine, my financial advisor (the automatic emails I get from Bank of America when my checking account balance is low) appears to be against it. Which means if a restaurant has half price glasses of wine for happy hour, I’m going twice a week. Three times if they have goat cheese.
Now please, someone go make this restaurant. Name it “Dolce Fine Food & Cocktail Lounge” and erect it walking distance from my apartment. The women will come and then the men will come (might want to throw a BLT or something on the menu for them). Plus I will buy your half price glasses of wine forever and I’ll even pretend to like your stupid kale chips. Win, Win!
Lets just skip the “sorry I’m a horrible blogger” intro this time and get right to it, shall we?
Hope everyone had a great holiday season! I’m a little pissed it’s over, which is why I refuse to take down my tree. Cold weather just isn’t as fun without a Christmas Tree.
One of the gifts I got Lance (read: Myself) this year was a Pizza Stone. He loves Pizza, and I love ambitious cooking experiments with little to no chance of success, so seems like a perfect fit, right? Well, our first attempt (two days ago) was pretty much a failure. Lance did okay mostly because he pre-baked his crust which, in my opinion, is cheating. Mine looked pretty good after it’s 12 minute stint on the stone, but upon cutting into it we discovered the crust was crispy on the outside, but raw on the inside. I blamed the oven not being hot enough and the dough not being “risen” enough and vowed to try again over the weekend. I WILL NOT not be able to make Pizza at home.
So today, I got to it. I also decided to document everything because, just in case this time DID result in an enormous success, I wanted to share with you all how to get the same results! That didn’t exactly happen, but I’ll still share, step-by-step, how I attempted to make Pizza at home (for the second time).
Step One: Buy your dough.
Yes, I said buy. No way I am taking the time to mix together flour and water when the nice people at Whole Foods can do it so much more efficently. Plus, I don’t own a mixer.
You need to let the dough rise for a LONG time before attempting to deal with it. As I learned the first day, dense dough is a BITCH to deal with and won’t cook right, so just chill out, have a glass of wine, preheat your oven and (with the pizza stone in it) and wait.
Step Two: Lay out some flour and cornmeal.
Note: We did not have flour and cornmeal on our first attempt and it SUCKED. I wasn’t sure how much to use so I took the amount of awfulness not having flour was, converted units of awfulness to units of flour, and used about that much. It also helps to flour your rolling pin (another fun fact I found out too late).
Step Three: Roll Our Your Dough
Don’t be a perfectionist about this, it’s tough to make a circle. Just try to get it flat. That’s hard enough.
Step Four: Apply Your Sauce
You can buy pizza sauce, but I really like to taste the tomatoes on my pizza, so I just got a can of crushed tomatoes, mixed in some chopped fresh basil, some dried oregano, salt, and pepper and about half a can of tomato paste to thicken it up. I clearly made way too much, considering how much you actually need (which I would post a picture of except for it’s horrible blurry and embarassing. You only need like a tablespoon.)
Step Five: Add Cheese
I’m a cheese snob so I won’t use the grated “product” they try to pass of a mozzarella. I originally went to Trader Joe’s because I had heard somewhere they had Buffalo Mozzarella, but I couldn’t find it so regular old fresh mozzarella it is. I also left a little aside to top the pizza with after it came out of the oven, which ended up being a really good decision on my part (you’ll see why later). Another good decision on my part: The wine.
I also added some fresh basil because it’s pretty and I like the way it smells. This ended up being a really bad decision on my part (You’ll see why later).
Step Six: Somehow Get This Thing You’ve Been Working On Into The Oven
If you’re like me, this is the time when you realize that you didn’t build your pizza on parchment paper as originally planned and now have to find a way to get this blob of dough from your cutting board onto your pizza stone without ruining it or receiving a third degree burn. Parchment paper is nice because you can just kind of hammock the pizza on it and place it on the stone, paper and all. My attempts to gently lift the pizza were futile, so I decided the best course of action was to lift the board and kind of “slide” the pizza directly onto the stone. This didn’t work out so well. The very end of the pizza kind of got folded under itself but I was just pleased the pizza was in the oven and I was uninjured, so I didn’t attempt to fix it.
Step Seven: Wait
Don’t open the oven. Don’t stare at it. Just wait. Exact time varies and largely depends on how hot your oven gets. Given my 12 minute failure, I opted for 15 and sat down to watch the end of the Packers game.
Step Eight: GET THE PIZZA OUT OF THE OVEN
Now, if you’re like me, this is when you maybe get a little too involved in the end of the Packer game, and completely forget you have a pizza in the oven until it’s over (GOD DAMN 49ERS) and your microwave timer had gone off who know how long ago. So you freak out and “slide” your pizza back on to your still-floured cutting board only to find that it looks like this:
Sad right? And the main reason you probably shouldn’t put fresh basil on your pizza before cooking it, no matter how good it smells.
With the help of the fresh mozzarella I set I aside, I managed to dress it up to something that could pass as edible, and to be honest, it didn’t taste bad at all. The crust was both crispy AND thoroughly cooked, and even the parts that look super burnt were soft and chewy on the inside, so all in all I’m actually pretty pleased. However, I am VERY VERY open to suggestions so if you have any, please fire away in the comments.
Now excuse me while I, along with the San Francisco 49ers, enjoy my marginal victory while it lasts.
I know it’s been a while since I blogged. But, to my credit, I was very exhausted after completing THREE whole entries. A two month hiatus is perfectly acceptable after that amount of hard labor, isn’t it? Ok fine. Actually I had a bunch of shit going on. Here’s a recap: I moved in with my boyfriend, I went to two weddings, I set foot in five different states, two different countries, and probably eight different airports, I did the master cleanse that was supposed to be 10 days but only lasted 3, I turned 28, I freaked out about turning 28, I quit drinking for a month, I finished “Divergent”, and I caught up on Breaking Bad. I think that’s all the important stuff.
That last one is especially pertinent to this post since I was about 3 seasons behind before I realized that the end was imminent, so my boyfriend and I binged on about 4 episodes a day before we finally caught up three episodes before the finale, which worked out pretty perfectly. Now, about three days late (get used to it), I’d like to share three dollars worth of thoughts.
1) Finally, Jesse Pinkman gets a break (I guess).
Okay, so everyone’s all happy that Jesse finally “got a break”. And I suppose after two dead girlfriends, one dead mentor, one poisoned child, drug addiction, captivity, and countless nicotine fits, getting the chance to strangle your arch nemesis with your own handcuffs and drive a stolen car to god-knows-where might be considered a “break”. But yes, I’m glad Jesse didn’t die. I really thought they might have offed him in the same episode as Hank and Gomez, just to really screw with us, so it’s nice they showed him some mercy.
2) How Cute Is It That Creepy Todd Gave Sociopathic Lydia Her Own Ringtone?
Homicidal neo-nazi meth dealers: They’re just like us!
3) Thank You, Breaking Bad writers
Finally, THANK YOU Breaking Bad for finally giving everyone what they really want: CLOSURE. I know it’s tempting to be artistic, and we might ACT like we want shows to be deep and meaningful and open for interpretation but let’s be real: Just tie up the lose ends, preferably by killing as many bad guys as possible, and don’t leave us wondering what the hell we just spent 6 years of our lives on. THANK YOU FOR GETTING IT. Because I swear to god if the final scene was Walt waking up from some kind of chemo-induced dream, I would have given up on television. And this is coming from someone who actually liked the series finale of Lost.
So there you have it, three thoughts at a dollar a piece (overpriced, I know). I actually really liked the finale, and thought the song they played at the end was absolutely perfect, so kudos to whoever brokered that deal. What did you think of the finale? Are you going to tune in to “Better Call Saul” spinoff? And what the hell happened to Brock?